Dear Abby

Dear Abby,

I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy. My parents live in the suburb of Seatoun and one of my sisters, who lives in Palmerston North, is married to an Australian. My mother and father have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Auckland. I have two bothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Mt. Eden Prison, Auckland, for the rape and murder of a teenage boy in 1994; the other currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of incest with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Christchurch and indeed is still a part-time "working girl" in a brothel. However, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel, with my fiancee utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, at least it would get them off the streets and, hopefully, the heroin.

My problem is this: I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family, and of course I want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my cousin who graduated from Auburn University?

Art of Grading

Here is a list of the ways professors grade their final exams:

DEPT OF STATISTICS:
All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.

DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY:
Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.

DEPT OF HISTORY:
All students get the same grade they got last year.

DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY:
What is a grade?

LAW SCHOOL:
Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.

DEPT OF MATHEMATICS:
Grades are variable.

DEPT OF LOGIC:
If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.

DEPT OF COMPUTER SCIENCE:
Random number generator determines grade.

MUSIC DEPARTMENT:
Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).

Birthday

Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover, "Please do me a favor. It feels like somethings stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me?" His roommate lubes up his finger (mercifully) and shoves it up Bruce's ass, feeling all around, and says, "I don't feel anything."

Bruce says, "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out." So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's ass. He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch.

He says, "I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass." Bruce starts singing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."

Wealth, Wisdom, or Beauty

An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.

Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.

"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.

Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length, one of his colleagues whispers, "Say something."

The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."

Generous Students

Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.

Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.

Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.

The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers.

Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity.

"What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank. "You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze."

Matt replies, "And we weren't?"

Perfect Woman

Perfect woman, perfect attitude.....

1. I'll swallow it all, I love the taste.
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
4. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
5. That was a great fart! Do another one.
6. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
7. You're so sexy when you're hungover.
8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.
10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.
12. I'll be out painting the house.
13. I love it when you play golf on Sundays. I just wish you had time to play on Saturday, too!
14. Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again. Come see!
15. I know it's a lot tighter back there, but would you please try again?
16. No, no....I'll take the car to have the oil changed.
17. Your mother is way better than mine.
18. Do me a favor. Forget the stupid Valentine's Day thing and go buy new clubs.
19. I understand fully. Our anniversary comes every year. You go hunting with the guys....it's a great stress reliever.
20. Oh come on....what do you say we get a good porno move, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome?
21. Oh come on! Not the damned mall again. Let's go to that new strip club!
22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us. Why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8?
23. You need your sleep ya big silly. Now stop getting up for the night feedings.
24. God, if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head just for you!

Job & wife

What is the difference between your job and your wife?
After 20 years your job still sucks.

Drug Bust

Did you hear about the big drug bust at the airport the other day?
Yeah, they lifted up this ladies skirt and found 50 pounds of crack.

Neutered

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when, all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really, really rich." ***POOF*** her rocking chair turns to solid gold. She smiles and says, "Gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess." ***POOF*** she turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh...can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks. ***POOF*** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.

She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak. He saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered!"

Won the lottery

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things! I just won the National lottery!" Martha responds excitedly, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?!" The man responds, "I don't care ... just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"

Too old

There was a man who really took care of his body. One day he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tan all over except for his penis. So he decided to do something about it. He went to the beach and got completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out.
Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking up out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, ''There is no justice in this world.'' The other lady asked what she meant.

"Well, when I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot all about it. Now I'm 80 and the damn things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat!"

Source :http://www.funnyfreejokes.com

Husband Store

 The store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City , where a

woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the

entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit

the store ONLY ONCE!


There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the

shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . .. you

may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go

up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building !!

Holiday in Australia

"How did you enjoy your holiday in Australia?"

"Marvellous! It's got everything for the family-plenty of pubs for me, shop for the wife,beach for the kids, sharks for the mother-in-law..."

Rainy Holiday

"How was Blackpool?"
"Well, we didn't have one rainy day in the whole two weeks."
"Really?"
"No-we had fourteen."

A Crazy Pilot

The scenes : a holiday charter plane for the Mediterranean.
Nervous passenger : " Stewardess," why is this plane jumping and twisting all over the place?"
Stewardess : "Nothing to worry about,sir" The pilot just took his medicine and he forgot to shake the bottle."

You Make Me Sick

Two young holidaymakers were sitting on the beach gazing out to sea.
"You know,Bill" said the girl."You remind me of the sea."
"Really?" said the young man."You mean I am wild and romantic?"
"No I mean you made me sick".

How Old Is It?

An American on holidays in England visited the British Museum and was intrigued by a magnificent Egyptian mummy.

"How old is the exhibit?"he asked a guide.

"Four thousand years and three months,sir; said the guide.

"How can you be exact? about the age of a thing like that?" demanded the American.

"Well sir," replied the guide. "the gentleman who donated it to the Museum said it was four thousand years old, and that was exactly three months ago."

Holidays at Brighton

"Where did you go for your holidays?"

"Brighton"

"What sort of resort is it?"

"Very friendly. There are lots of girls looking for husbands and lots of husband looking for girls."

My wife

Customer : " I've come back to buy that car you showed me yesterday."

Salesman : " Great! I thought you might. What was the main factor that made you decide to buy?"

Customer :  "My wife."

A Good Boy

A door-to-door salesman asked a small boy:
"Is your mother at home?"
"Yes,she is."
But after knocking for quite a while and getting no answer,he ask the boy again:
"I thought you said your mother was at home."
"She is, but we don't live here."

A Pig with a Wooden Leg

A salesman visiting a farm was amazed to see a pig walking round the yard with a wooden leg. He asked the farmer about it.
"That Pig is really the most wonderful pig that ever was.
One time I fell asleep in the barn and while I was asleep the barn caught  fire.Do you know the pig actually broker out of his pen ans came into the flame to drag me safety.
"That was certainly very impressive, but you have not told me why it's got a wooden leg."
"Well, a wonderful pig like that--you can just eat it all at once."

A Stupid Question

Max was belting along the highway at high speed when he hit a patch of loose gravel and went over an embankment.
Another driver stopped to help him. As he pulled Max out of his car he asked:
"Have you been drinking?"
"What a stupid question. Of course I have been drinking. Do you think I drive like this sober?"

A Lucky Man

The street vendor  was very persuasive.
"Take home a bunch of flowers for the wife, sir."
"I don't have a wife."
"Then take a bunch for your sweet heart."
""I don't have a sweet heart either."
"You're a lucky man. Buy a couple of bunches to celebrate."