Jeff : That plant of yours that was so droopy and withering..? How’s it doing these days??
Nina : It’s amazing. First! I got a stick and I stuck it into the flower pot. Then I tied the sick plant to the stick. Then I added some fertilizer and I watered it every day. See for yourself.
Jeff: What are you talking about. This plan is dead.
Nina. I know, but the stick is sprouting leaves.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Friday, March 18, 2011
Values
Nancy : Hey Is this a photo of your boyfriend who you said had so many great attributes??
Jane : Yes, but it’s a terrible picture…all blurry and out-of-focus!
Nancy: What are you talking about. It’s perfectly clear and sharp.
Jane :Take a close look. You can barely make out his great attribute.
Nancy : He look decent enough. He’s dresses stylishly and he’s handsome.
Jane: You can hardly see his PORSHE 924 TURBO!!
Jane : Yes, but it’s a terrible picture…all blurry and out-of-focus!
Nancy: What are you talking about. It’s perfectly clear and sharp.
Jane :Take a close look. You can barely make out his great attribute.
Nancy : He look decent enough. He’s dresses stylishly and he’s handsome.
Jane: You can hardly see his PORSHE 924 TURBO!!
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Don't louse it up
Mother is talking to her daughter about a man.
“ Look!, he is a nice boy! He makes a nice living. And besides you don’t have that many chance! You can not afford to be choosey! So for goodness sake, don’t louse it up!
Don’t let him know you’re more intelligent than he is, so don’t talk too much! And don’t show him that you’re a better athlete by beating him at bowling!
What I’m trying to tell you is: Don’t let him know you’re superior to him!
There ‘s plenty of time for that after you’re married. “
“ Look!, he is a nice boy! He makes a nice living. And besides you don’t have that many chance! You can not afford to be choosey! So for goodness sake, don’t louse it up!
Don’t let him know you’re more intelligent than he is, so don’t talk too much! And don’t show him that you’re a better athlete by beating him at bowling!
What I’m trying to tell you is: Don’t let him know you’re superior to him!
There ‘s plenty of time for that after you’re married. “
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Reputation
Daughter : My very own mother – and you deliberately ruined my reputation.
Mother: What did I do? What’s that!
Daughter : You went around, blabbing about me all over town…about my personal sex life.
Mother: All I said was that you were a decent moral girl.
Daughter: That’s what I mean!! What a boy will want to go out with me now.
Mother: What did I do? What’s that!
Daughter : You went around, blabbing about me all over town…about my personal sex life.
Mother: All I said was that you were a decent moral girl.
Daughter: That’s what I mean!! What a boy will want to go out with me now.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Accidents
Sophia : But officer, it is not my fault! He stepped right in front of my car.
Officer: That’s my be true miss…but after all, it is his backyard.
Officer: That’s my be true miss…but after all, it is his backyard.
Monday, March 14, 2011
The Rush
Gorge : Sorry! But I haven’t got time for breakfast.
Mom : What’s rush! It’s early.
Gorge : Not for me! I am gonna be late for school!
Dad: But I bought you a car, just to solve your transportation problem.
Gorge :Yeah! Thank a heap! Now I have to leave earlier than ever…just to find a parking apace.
Mom : What’s rush! It’s early.
Gorge : Not for me! I am gonna be late for school!
Dad: But I bought you a car, just to solve your transportation problem.
Gorge :Yeah! Thank a heap! Now I have to leave earlier than ever…just to find a parking apace.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Economics
Linda : I am really like this dress. I am going to buy it.
Nadia: Are you kidding? Your dad won’t pay for a dress that expensive!
Linda: he’ll be delighted because I am also buying this one that costs twice as much!
Nadia: I think you ever lost your mind!
At home..
Linda: Dad, I bought these two dresses, but I am going to bring one back which one do you like better?
Dad : Hmm! Keep this one! Its’ much nicer. (It's cheaper one)
Nadia: Are you kidding? Your dad won’t pay for a dress that expensive!
Linda: he’ll be delighted because I am also buying this one that costs twice as much!
Nadia: I think you ever lost your mind!
At home..
Linda: Dad, I bought these two dresses, but I am going to bring one back which one do you like better?
Dad : Hmm! Keep this one! Its’ much nicer. (It's cheaper one)
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Mowing the Lawn
Dad : I finally won a battle in the never-ending war between parents and children!
Mom : That’s I like to see.
Dad : Take a look!
Mom : Well, I’’ be darned! That’s our son out there, actually mowing the lawn! How in the world did you ever manage that!??
Dad : He wanted to borrow the car, and I told him I’d lost the keys in the overgrown grass!
Mom : That’s I like to see.
Dad : Take a look!
Mom : Well, I’’ be darned! That’s our son out there, actually mowing the lawn! How in the world did you ever manage that!??
Dad : He wanted to borrow the car, and I told him I’d lost the keys in the overgrown grass!
Exams
Teacher: Class. I am very pleased to announce that everyone has passed yesterday exam with flying colors! Everyone that is except for Lester Lummox! Lester, I’m afraid I’ll have to notify your parents……..
(Lester Hand up!)
Teacher: Yes, Lester, What is it? Do you want to leave the room?
Lester:: …the country!!
(Lester Hand up!)
Teacher: Yes, Lester, What is it? Do you want to leave the room?
Lester:: …the country!!
Friday, March 11, 2011
Grandparents
A grandma is telling the tale to her little niece:
First Grandma: Once upon a time, there was a good grandma, a bad grandma and a nice little boy! One day a nice little boy went to the bad grandma and said “Can I have a cookie?” and the bad grandma said,” No, it will spoil your supper!” and the nice little boy cried! Then he went to the good grandma and said, “Can I have a cookie?” and the good grandma said “ Yes, dear you can have all you want” and everybody lived happily ever after….
Second Grandma: until the “bad” grandma overhead what the good grandma was telling the little boy!!!
First Grandma: Once upon a time, there was a good grandma, a bad grandma and a nice little boy! One day a nice little boy went to the bad grandma and said “Can I have a cookie?” and the bad grandma said,” No, it will spoil your supper!” and the nice little boy cried! Then he went to the good grandma and said, “Can I have a cookie?” and the good grandma said “ Yes, dear you can have all you want” and everybody lived happily ever after….
Second Grandma: until the “bad” grandma overhead what the good grandma was telling the little boy!!!
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Tell the time
Grandpa : Do you know how to tell the time?
Grandson : Of course , I do! You think I am a baby!
Grandpa: Then what time is it?
Grandson: Uh!....er…Well according to that thing it’s 123456789101112 o’clock.
Grandpa : WI thought you said you could tell time!
Grandson : I can! but only know digital time!
Grandson : Of course , I do! You think I am a baby!
Grandpa: Then what time is it?
Grandson: Uh!....er…Well according to that thing it’s 123456789101112 o’clock.
Grandpa : WI thought you said you could tell time!
Grandson : I can! but only know digital time!
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Teddy Bear
Son : I can’t sleep without my teddy bear!
Mommy! : Joe…go get him his teddy bear!
Dad : Why me? All a time, me! Here I am in a nice comfortable chair, watching my favorite show, and have to get up and schlep a teddy bear! Why does he have to be so darn insecure? When he grows up, will he still be sleeping whit his teddy bear?
Mommy: You make the biggest fuss over the little things!
(Because Teddy Bear is bigger than him!!!)
Mommy! : Joe…go get him his teddy bear!
Dad : Why me? All a time, me! Here I am in a nice comfortable chair, watching my favorite show, and have to get up and schlep a teddy bear! Why does he have to be so darn insecure? When he grows up, will he still be sleeping whit his teddy bear?
Mommy: You make the biggest fuss over the little things!
(Because Teddy Bear is bigger than him!!!)
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
House Calls
David: What seems to be the trouble?
Lou: I think she has a fever and a bad tummy ache.
David: give her two aspirins and call me in the morning!
Lou : But she’s upchucking all over the doll house, Doctor! Could you come right over?
David: sorry…I don’t make doll house calls!
Lou: I think she has a fever and a bad tummy ache.
David: give her two aspirins and call me in the morning!
Lou : But she’s upchucking all over the doll house, Doctor! Could you come right over?
David: sorry…I don’t make doll house calls!
Monday, March 7, 2011
A Fun Toy
Son : Daddy! Daddy! Look what’s mommy bought me! It’s a real fun toy.
Dad : To me, it’s a miserable, frustrating ,exasperating, sweat-inducing, pain-in-the-neck, unfunny toy! It’s say so right in the box!
Mom: Well! I don’t see any such thing! Where does it say it’s not a fun toy?!
Dad: Right there!!. It says “Assembly instruction enclosed”
Dad : To me, it’s a miserable, frustrating ,exasperating, sweat-inducing, pain-in-the-neck, unfunny toy! It’s say so right in the box!
Mom: Well! I don’t see any such thing! Where does it say it’s not a fun toy?!
Dad: Right there!!. It says “Assembly instruction enclosed”
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Television commercials
Dad : Hello there my little darling! And what did you learn today?
Daughter: I learned how to fill a man do full of lust and desire that he’ll want to make purple passionate love
to me!
Dad: That’s! what they are teaching you in sex education!
Daughter: No! That’s what they’re teaching me in television commercials
Daughter: I learned how to fill a man do full of lust and desire that he’ll want to make purple passionate love
to me!
Dad: That’s! what they are teaching you in sex education!
Daughter: No! That’s what they’re teaching me in television commercials
Saturday, March 5, 2011
The opposite
Dad: Listen, son you are getting to the age when you are going to start to date. My advice to you is : Pick a girl like yourself! One with the same ethnic background. In the same religion and the same economic position!
Son: But Dad! I always thought that opposition attract!
Dad: You’re a boy, and she’ll be a girls right..? That’s all the opposite you’ll need!!
Son: But Dad! I always thought that opposition attract!
Dad: You’re a boy, and she’ll be a girls right..? That’s all the opposite you’ll need!!
Friday, March 4, 2011
A Drunk man
This guy at a bar was about as drunk as it is possible to get. A group of guys noticed his
condition and decide to be good Samaritans and take him home.
First they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can find out where he lives, but he keeps
falling down. He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud.
After they get to his house, he falls down another four times getting him to the door. His wife
comes to the door, and one guy says, "We brought your husband home." The wife asks,
"Where's his wheelchair?"
condition and decide to be good Samaritans and take him home.
First they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can find out where he lives, but he keeps
falling down. He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud.
After they get to his house, he falls down another four times getting him to the door. His wife
comes to the door, and one guy says, "We brought your husband home." The wife asks,
"Where's his wheelchair?"
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Parking the car
Linda: What took you so long?
Steve: I was parking the car!!
Linda: How long does it take to park a car?
Steve: I kep driving around looking for an empty space, but couldn’t find
one! As for the parking lots, their price are outlandish! Finally,
I found one place to park where the price was reasonable
Linda: Where was that?
Steve: In a drive-in theater!
Steve: I was parking the car!!
Linda: How long does it take to park a car?
Steve: I kep driving around looking for an empty space, but couldn’t find
one! As for the parking lots, their price are outlandish! Finally,
I found one place to park where the price was reasonable
Linda: Where was that?
Steve: In a drive-in theater!
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