Perfect dentist

Mark, seated at the same table in a cafeteria with Jim, noticed that the poor man had nothing but gums to chew with. Mark pulled some false teeth out of his pocket and offered them to had dinner companion. They were too loose.
Mark volunteered another set of dentures. This time  they were too tight. The next set, however, fit perfectly.
"Thanks a lot." said Jim. "It' a real pleasure to sit at the same table with such a perfect dentist."
"I ain't no dentist!" said Mark. "I'm an undertaker!"

Lost ID

When a 87-year-old woman lost her ID, she went to apply for a new one. An official at the Department of Home Affirs told her that it would be impossible to issue a duplicate without proof of identity.
"If you don't have any papers," said the helpful official, "you'll need to find two acquaintances who have known you since childhood and are at least then year older than you."

Top Pedlar

A pedlar knocked at the door of a housewife.
"I sell all kinds of things for the house.Do you want to buy something?"
"No,I don't want anything." said the housewife firmly.
"Maybe a pan or a pot?"
"No,I don't want anything.Now get going. I don't want anything."
"Maybe a clothes brush?"
"No,I don't want anything!"
"Maybe a vacuum cleaner?"
"I don't want anything,Get going!"
"Maybe a tablecloth? Some hai-rpins? I've got all kind of thing."
"Now, listen to me.If you don't get going I'll whistle for a policeman."
"Do you want to buy a whistle?"

I Was Born That Way

"Without a doubt, you're the stupidest guy in the service," roared the officer.
"Can't help it," replied the recruit. " I was born that way,"
"All right, just answer me two simple questions," continued the officer. "First--what would happen if one of your ears was shot off?"
"That's easy, sir," replied the Gl."I wouldn't be able to hear."
"Okay," said the irritated officer. "Next--then what would happen if both your ears were shot off?"
"Then I couldn't see," answered the recruit promptly.
"What do you mean, you couldn't see?" the officer yelled.
"Well, sir," explained the Gl, "if my ears were both shot off, my helmet would slide down over my eyes."

A Call Through The Storm

A hurricane was predicted and  the heavy rains had just started when a telephone rang in the home of a doctor. The caller said his wife needed urgent medical attention.

"I'll be glad to come," said the doctor, "but my car is beging repaired. Could you come and get me?"
There was a pause at the other end of the line. "What?" sputtered and angry voice. "In this weather?"

Goombungee

Asking for directions in the Australian outback is often a chancy business. There was the rep who asked a farmer for directions to Goombungee.
"Take this road here for about two kilometres and turn left at the hollow log. You keep going for about three more kilometres and you'll come to Riley's dam. Turn left again. About four kilometres down the track you'll come to a big sign advertising sheep dip. Turn left there and keep going.'
"And that's ll get me to  Goombungeee, will it?"
"No.It''ll get you back here. If I give you all the directions at once, it'll only confuse you.'

Where are the Batterries?

The department store customer asked a salesperson where the flashlight batteries were.
"I'll see," the employee replied, and he slipped around a corner.
After 15 minutes of waiting, the shopper found another salesperson and asked her where he could get the batteries.
"I'll see," the second employee said, then disappeared.
Unable to get any assistance, the frustrated shopper went to the manager's office.
"Everybody here gives me the runaround," he exclaimed. "All I want to know is where I can find the flashlight batteries."
The customer stormed out in a rage at the manager's reply: Aisle C"