Vintage Wines

Customer: …And we’d like a nice bottle of Bordeaux. Can you suggest a good year?

Waiter : 1978 was a marvelous ..absolutely stupendous year.

Customer : Really? I’ve heard that 1978 was not that good.

Waiter : Are you kidding?...That’s was the year I got my divorce.

The Table

Waiter : Would you like a table near the window? Or near salad bar? Or near the dance floor?

Customer : It doesn’t matter…as long as it’s near a waiter.

Believing in Luck

Wife : When it comes to being a successful person, do you believe in luck?
Husband : You bet, I do.

Wife : How else can you explain how all those dumb friends of mine made it so big?

Invitation

Karet : Edna Gluck is on the phone. She wants to know if we will come for dinner tomorrow night at seven oclock.

John : YECCH! I can not stand her..and that boob husband of her…….The LESS I see of them, the BETTER.

Karet : Edna…..could you make that EIGHT o clock?

To Ignore

Husband : I am sick about what happened on the job today.

Wife : I swear, you ‘re the biggest worry-wart with the worst persecution complex in the whole world. You have got to learn to ignore those stupid thing that bug you. If your boss yells you, he is not yelling at you. it’s probably because his wive gave him a hard time that morning.

Husband : Okay..I will ignore it.

Wife : And when you boss calls you an incompetent bungler, he’s probably frustrated because he blew a big order. So ignore that too.

Hasband : And the “Two –weeks notice” I got today. I will ignore that too!

Dental Works

Dentist : There is a lot of works to be done in your mouth. I’d estimate that it’s going to cost you about $3000.

Patient: Wow.That’s a lot of money.

Dentist : Don’t worry. We can work it out. You could make a $500 down payment now, and then pay me $100 a month for next 25 months.

Patient: Gee..if sure doesn’t sound like dental work, Sounds like buying a car.

Dentist : I am.

Employee

Manager : See that young man there? I gave him a job here just a few months ago. Then to my utter surprise, I discovered that when he deals with customers, he’s liar, a cheat, and downright dishonest!

New employee: My! God. That’s terrible. Aren’t you going to Do something about it?
Manager : I am giving hime a raise..and a promotion.

Policeman

Policeman : Okay…Let’s me see your license.

Gorge       : Officer! I’ll have you know that I’m the son of the chief of police.

Policeman : Really? No kidding? Hey, I am impressed. I’m so glad you told me.  Here, your ticket for
                  speed  driving.

Gorge       :  Hey! If I am the son of the chief of police, why are you giving the ticket?

Policeman :  So your old man will know that I am doing my job.

New Cars

Worker : What seems to be the trouble with your new car, Mr.Handerson?

Handerson: Everything is making NOISE….except the HORN!!!

The BUSY PHONE

Husband : I tried calling you all afternoon but the phone was busy! I’ll bet it was your son the bum abusing it, as usual.

Wife : Well, just for your information, he was indeed using it, but he was busy choosing colleges!

Husband: You gotta be kidding, I don’t believe it!

Wife : It’s true, overheard him talking! He was choosing Yale over Harvard, Standford over Southern Cal, North Carolina over Duk……..

Husband: It figures! He’s decided to be a Gambling major! What you heard was your son placing bets on Saturday ‘s basketball games!

TRUST

Jane : Have you heard about Joe and Chalie!? Isn’t awful?

Maria: I would never have believed Chalie was the kind to have an affair with his
secretary! It just goes to show you—men can not be trusted!

Jane: I trust my Lenny! Know he’d never fooled around.

Maria: Don’t be sure, Jane. Didn’t he just come back from a weekend “Fishing trip?” How do you know he really went fishing?

Jane: Because he did not bring home any fish. (Jane believe that her husband has no fishing skill)

Sick with worry

Wife : I will never do that again! Now I am sick again! Now I am sick with worry.
In a few years, there are going to be too many people in this world, and not enough food! And we’ll be choked by air pollute\ion! And we will be poisoned by contaminated water! And we will be computerized to death An all morality will be break down! And drugs will be destroying our kids! And there‘ll be rioting and wars, and….

Husband : Listen, why don’t you get your mind off your worried? Go watch television!

Wife: That’s what I was doing!!

Soap Opera

Wife : Oh! My! That’s terrible!!

Husband : What’s terrible?

Wife : The things that go on in these TV soap operas!

Husband : So why do you watch them…?

Wife Because the kids are all grow up..and out on their own!

Wife : What does that have to do with watching TV Soap operas?
Wife : I miss the old AGGRAVATION!

A Gadget

Lina : I’ve got a gadget at home that says terrible things to me every days!

Nina : You have a gadget that talks to you?!

Lina : Not exactly! It communicates in a very clear and insulting manner!

Nina : Oh! Wow! And what does it communicate\?

Lina: It tells me “I’m ugly, that I lack self-control, and that no fella will ever want me!
Nina : Gee..! what kind of a gadget is that?

Nina : a scale!!

Breaking Habits

Husband: I’m going bonkers! I need a cigarette! I gotta have a smoke or I’ll die.

Wife : If you smoke you will die! Here, get you oral fix in a healthy way! Have a carrot!

Husband: That’s good idea! Now all I need is light!

Worried

Georg : Arnold, baby, you look like you have got the weight of the whole world on your shoulders! Why the hangdog expression? What’s eating you, anyway?

Arnold: I have got troubles big troubles. I am terribly worried about my wife!!

George : Your wife:? Oh, my lord! Bu she’s so young! The last time I saw her she seemed so robust—so healthy! Tell me Buddy boy, what has she got?

Arnold : My brand new $14,000 car.