Overhead

"A theft just ran off with my wallet," yells the champion runner.
"Couldn't you catch him?" asks the bystander.
"Sure. I even took the lead, but when I looked back, he was gone."

If I Were a Millionare.

"Take a Pencil and Paper." the teacher said, 'and writ and essay with the title 'If I were a Millionaire." "Everyone but Phillip who leaned back with arms folded, began to write furiously.
"What's the matter,"the teacher asked."Why don't you begin?"
"I'm waiting for my secretary," he replied.

Who Are You Rooting For?

One friend to another: "My gun  misfired, and the tiger was racing toward me at full speed. I just managed to climb to the second branch of a big tree."
"And the tiger?"
"When it got to the first branch of the tree, I took a desperate jump and reached the third branch."
"And the tiger?"
"It kept on chasing me. By the time it jumped to the third branch, I was up to the fifth one."
""And the tiger?"What about the tiger?"
"Hey, who are you rooting for?"

Good Restaurant?

"Ours is  a good restaurant ," said the manager. "If you order an egg, you get the freshest egg in the world. If you order hot coffee, you get the hottest coffee in the world, and--"
"I believe you," said the customer.
"I ordered a small steak."

Most Stuck-up

The Fifth-grader cam home from school bubbling with excitement  after having been voted "Prettiest  Girl in the Class." She was  even more excited when  she cam home the next day after the class had voted her "Mot popular."
but several days later when she announced she had won  a third contest, she was somewhat subdued.
"What were you voted this time?" her mother asked.
" 'Most Stuck-up,' " the girl replies.

Specialized Pilot

Mac and Todd, two brothers, went together to an employment agency looking for work. The first brother was called for an interview. "It says here you're a pilot." said the employment counselor.
Mac nodded. "Well, that's great. There's a need for experience pilots. I have a job for you immediately.: With that, Mac left for the airfield.
Todd's interview didn't go as well. When asked about his work experience he replied.
"I am a tree cutter." The counselor said there were no opening for tree cutter. Incensed, Todd demanded: "How come you have a job for my brother and not for me?"
"Because you brother is a plot," explained the counselor. "He has a special ed skill."
"What do you mean specialized? I cut the wood, and he piles it!"

Modem

Question:  What is modem better than a woman?
Answer :

1. A modem doesn't ask for a commitment if you use it. Getting a modem to obey you is as simple as typing "AT".
2. When you're done using your modem, you can roll over and go to sleep without feeling guilty.
3. A modem won't say a word if you come home late.
4. A modem can't collect alimony if you decide to dump it.
5. A modem will always wait patiently by the phone.
6. You can always get a few bucks for an old modem when a faster model comes out.
7. A modem doesn't mind if you call another modem.
8. A virus you catch from your modem doesn't require a trip to the doctor.
9. You don't have to bring a modem home to meet your parents. If an error occurs, Abort, Retry or Fail are the only options you have to worry about.
10. Modems come with an instruction manual. Modems have a volume control - you can even turn the sound OFF.

Athlete's Feat

When our neighbor's young son was asked how his soccer game went one morning, he said. "Really good. If we just scored four more goals, we would have beat them by one point."

Birthday Bluff

Children  age ten and under travel half price. As the conductor began checking ticket, a woman sitting next to me told her daughter.
"Now remember, you are only ten." The girl nodded her head.
"The conductor approached and asked the girl, "How old are you?"
"Ten sir."
"And when will you be 11?"
"When I get off this train."

Kitty

Mother : "Don't pull the cat's tail."
Daughter :" I didn't, Mom. I only  held its tail, but it pulled my arm."

The remedy

The boss arrived at his office with a terrible headache.
"That's funny, boss.", commented an employee.
"A few  days I had a terrible headache too but it did not last long. My wife  pulled me over to the sofa and gave me a big hug and a kiss-- one thing led to another and presto!My headache went away."
The boss put on his hat."I've tried everything else," he muttered.
"Is your wife home now?"

Special Service

Noble flunked medical school and, in order not to completely disappointed his parents, he joined the family funeral business. One day Mrs. Reese came to view her husband's remains. "He looks good," said the woman."but he's in a brown suit. My husband loved blue.Could you put him on a blue suit?"
"Of course," said Noble. "Come back this afternoon."
Mrs.Reese returned,saw her husband  dressed in blue, and complimented the former med. student.
"It was nothing" he replied.
"Oh it must have been a lot of trouble"
"NO we had another man wearing a blue suit and I simply switched  them around."
"But that must have taken a great deal of time and effort."
"Not at all," said Noble." I just changed head."

Sorry,Wrong number

Mrs.Brown dialed her daughter's number and sang out.
"Hello, darling.How are you?"
"Terrible, Mom. My back is killing me, the children are acting up, the house is a mess-- and I'm expecting six guests for dinner."
"Don't worry, darling. I'm coming right over.I'll feed the kids, clean up your place, and cook a dinner your guest will never forget."
"You're an angle!...How's dad?
"Dad?....Sweetheart. you know daddy died nine years ago."
Pause. "What number are you calling?"
"Alton 6-4491."
Oh!, no I dialed the wrong number.
"Hold on! Please!" the voice wailed.

Last Words

A lawyer was flying to console a weeping widow. Her husband had passed away without a will.
"Did the deceased have any last word?" asked the lawyer.
"You mean right before he died? sobbed the widow.
"Yes," replied the lawyer. "They might be helpful if it's not too painful for you to recall."
"Well," she began, "he said., don't try to scare me! You couldn't hit the broad side of a barn with that gun."

Experienced doctor

An American visiting a remote area in South America became sick. "I have to see a doctor." he told a local. "How can I be sure of getting a good one?"   "It's easy." was the reply."Every time a doctor loses a patient, it's our law that he must  fly a  balloon above his office."
So the American began his search. One doctor flew 20 balloons another 30. Finally the American found and office that was flying only five balloons, and he went in.
"You'll have to wait," the doctor told him. "For someone who only started practice yesterday. I've been very busy."

A Woman and a Priest

The newly appointed priest was being briefed by the housekeeper on problems in the rectory that required immediate attention.
"Your roof needs repair, father," she said. "Your water pressure is bad and your furnace is not working."
"Now, Mrs. Kelly," the priest allow, "you've been the housekeeper here for five years, and I've only been here a few days. Why not say our roof and our furnace?"
Several weeks later, when the pastor was meeting with the bishop and several other priests, Mrs. Kelly burst into the office terribly upset.
"Father, father, she blurted, there's a mouse in our room and its' under bed!"

On a Diet

The doctor decided to put his overweight patient on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days," the physician directed,
"then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least five pounds."
When the man returned, he had lost 21 pounds. "You did this just by following my instructions?" the doctor asked.
The fellow nodded. "I'll tell you though, I though I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger?"
"No,from skipping."

A man from Florida

A man was telling his colleagues about unintentionally driving through a puddle of water and splashing a pedestrian, a visitor from Florida.
"How did you know he was from Florida?" asked one co-worker."Did you stop to apologize?"
"No," replied the man."I didn't stop because he was awfully big and he looked mad. But I knew he was from Florida because I could hear him yelling something about the sun and the beach."

Flavor of Fitness

The physiotherapist started  David on exercises program while David was in the hospital. "You'll make better progress if you do some exercises in bed, along with those we do in the gym." he told David.
"You can use two cans of soup as weights to begin strengthening your arms."
When his Scottish friend , Dave came to visit later that day, David told him what the physiotherapist had suggested and asked if Dave could pick up a couple of cans of soup for him.
"Aye, that I could." Dave replied. Then he paused for a moment before asking."What flavor would you be wanting?"

Kentucky Fried Chicken

Tony performed in a band that often traveled to unfamiliar places. One Saturday night the musicians got lost on their way to a wedding at a Knights of Columbus hall. After wandering about the area for an hour, the driver pulled up to a boy and asked, "Do you know where the K of C is?" The boy gave detailed directions and the band was on it way. After negotiating a series of turns, they pulled up in front of a Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant.

Lost Husband

Ken worked partime as a shoe salesman. Since his salary was based  partly on  commission, he always had his eye out for potential sales.
One day he made a good sale to a woman and ,emboldened by hid success asked her if her husband might also need a new pair of shoes.
"I lost husband," she replied.
Mortified, Ken fumbled to sound the correct note for condolence. But before Ken could speak, she continue, "He was supposed to meet me at 11 and it's after 12."

Movie Title

One day Jeremy came into the video store and searched for the shelves for a long time. Then he approached the store's owner to say, I'm looking for a particular movie, but I can not think of its' name."
"I can look it up on the computer," the owner said. "Can you remember any part of the title?"
Jeremy  thought for a moment and said, "Try 'The.' "

The Grass died.

A teen-age boy, David wanted to move from lawn mowing to a better paying job. He filled out an application at a fast-food restaurant and was hired. The manager later told David that his answer to the question "Why did you leave your previous employer? got him the job.
David had written "The grass died."

You are the fifth

A man saw a fisherman standing in a lake with a mirror. "Excuse me," he said, " but could you tell me what you're doing?"
"I'm fishing."
"With a mirror?" the first man asked.
"Sure--it's a new invention. I'm going to make a fortune."
"Could you tell me how it works?"
"Okay, but it'll cost you a hundred dollars."
The first man was so curious that he handed the fisherman the money.
"Now, show me how it works," he said.
"Well," the fisherman began, "you aim the mirror into the water, and when a fish goes by, you startle  him the rays of light reflected from the mirror. The fish gets confused and then you grab him."
The first fellow was shocked.
"You can't mean to tell  me that's how you fish. It's ridiculous! How many have you caught?"
"You're the fifth today!" replied the fisherman.

Big Talk

Three boys were bragging about their fathers. One said, "My dad's so fast he can shoot an arrow and get to the target before the arrow does."
"That's nothing." the second boys replied. "My dad's so fast he can shoot a deer at 500 yards and get to the deer before it falls."
"Big deal." the third said. "My dad works for the government and gets off work at 4.30, but he's so fast he get home by 3.45."

The Appropriate Music

A preacher was talking to the church organist." When I finish my sermon, "he said, "I'll ask for all those in the congregation who want to contribute four hundred dollars toward the church's mortgage to stand up. In the meantime, you provide appropriate music.
"What do you mean.'appropriate music?"
"Play "The Star-Spangled Baner."

Sex Life Improvement

Murphey went to a doctor and asked for advice on how to improve his sex life.
"You seem to be in good physical condition." said the doctor after and examination."Jog ten mile a day, everyday for seven days.Then phone me."
A week later, Murphey telephoned ."Well." said the physician, "has the jogging improved your sex life?"
"I don't know," said the Irish-man."I'm seventy miles from home."

Good News

Alvarez was hurt in motorcycle accident. His bike was totally demolished and the Mexican wound up in the hospital. He  lay completely  bandaged up, in bed listening to the doctor.
"I've got good news and bad news." said the MD.
"Give me the bad news first." said Alvares.
"I'm afraid," said the MD."I had to amputate both your feet."
"Oh, God," sobbed the Mexican." What's good news?"
"The fellow in the next bed wants to buy your boots!" said the doctor.

Coughing Stranger

A man walked up to a drug store prescription counter, tried up to speak, and then had a coughing fit. "I can not understand you." said the pharmacist.
The man coughed and tried to speak again. I still can 't understand you." repeated the pharmacist,"but wait." The druggist walked to the rear of the store and returned moments later with the glass filled with a color liquid."Drink this," he said pleasantly.The man drank it.
'How does that fell." the benefactor asked.
"Much better," replied the man in ta clear voice.
"Well." said the pharmacist.
"What i it you want to say?"
"This is a stick-up!"

A Tricky Represent

Late on afternoon a rep  drove up to the only hotel in a small town.
He found the publican and asked:
'Can you give me a room for the night?'
'Like to, but I can't . Every room's taken.'
'Blimey! You've got to fit me in somewhere. I've got to work the work tomorrow. Can you give me a bed in a room with somebody else?'
'Well, there is one bed vacant in a twin room, but I hesitate to put you in there because the fellow in the other bed snored so much.
'We've had complaints about him before.'
'That's all right. I'll soon fix him. 'I'll take it.'
Next morning after breakfast the rep came to the desk to settle his account. He was as bright as a button. The publican asked him:
'How did you sleep last night?

'Extra good, thank.'
'You didn't have any trouble with your roommate's snoring?
'Oh, no I soon put a stop to that.'
'What did you do?'
'Well, when I went into the room, he was already in bed. I just went over gave him a kiss on the cheek and said. 'Goodnight darling.'
and he sat up all night watching me.'

Who is Plauline?

It was a fearful night. Lighting shot through the sky and the thunder roared in blasts that would frighten anybody. The rain cam down in sheets. The door of a little bakery opened and a drenched man came up to the counter and said.
'Let me have two bagels!'
'The baker looked at him incredulously.' What,' said the baker,
'you came out on a night like this just order for two bagels?' That's all?'
'Yes, that's all,' answered the man.'That's all I need. Just one for  me and one for Pauline.'
'Who is Pauline?' asked the baker.
'Oh what the hell difference is it to you?' answered the man.
'Pauline is my wife. Who do you think she is? Would my mother send me out on a night like this?'

A Lazy Man

A mother tore into her son's bedroom and shook her son who lying in bed.
'Mike; she said ,'you've got to go to school. Enough of the nonsense, get to school.!
Mike glowed, 'I don't wanna go to school.'
She shook him once again and said, 'Mike, I'm telling you, you've gotta get up and go to school.'
'Why?' said Mike.
'Well,'  She yelled,'I'll give you three good reasons. In the first place, I pay taxes; in the second place, you're 50 years old; and in the third place, you're the principal!'

An Innocent question

The mother had allowed her youngest daugther to watch her while she went through her beauty ritual one evening.The little girl was fascinated with all the jars and creams and lotions; she asked  countless questions.
At one point, the woman dipped her fingers into a jar of cold cream and spread the cream on her face.
'What's that for, Mommy?' asked her daugther.
'Why, this is to make me beautiful,' the woman replied. Then she concentrated on removing every last trace it with tissue. When she was through, she gazed at her clean face in the mirror.
'Did't work, did it?' observed her innocent daugther.

Psychology Courses

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, L...arry?'
'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

It Bounced

A fellow accidentally swallowed a pin-pong ball and  was rushed to surgery. He insisted on a local anesthetic so he could watch the operation. Soon he began to get upset at the number of incisions the surgeon was making, seemingly at random.
'Why are you cutting in so many different places?' the patient asked.
Replied the surgeon, 'That's the way the ball bounces!'

Who is right?

A man visited a fortuneteller and sat down in front of her crystal ball. 'I see you are the father of two children,' she said.
'That's what you think,' the man replied. ' I' m the father of three children.'
The fortuneteller smiled and said,'That's what you think,'

Where is my spoon?

Steinberg had been having his lunch in the same lower East Side restaurant for 20 years. Everyday, he left his

office at noon, went to the restaurant, and ordered a bowl of chicken soup. Never a change. But one day

Steinberg called the waiter back after receiving his soup.

'Yes, Mr.Steinberg?' inquired the waiter.

'Waiter,please taste this soup.'

'What do you mean, taste the soup?' For 20 years you have been eating the same chicken soup here,

everyday, yes?' Has it ever been any different?'

Steinberg ignored the waiter's comments.

'Please, taste this soup,' he repeated.

'Mr. Steinberg, what's the matter with you?' I know what the chicken soup like!'

'Taste the soup!' Steinberg demand.

'All right, all right,I'll taste. Where's the spoon?'

'Aha! cried Steinberg.

The Clean Glass For You

Two men sat down in a restaurant and ordered their main dishes.
Then they closed their menus.
The waiter said ,'Thank you, gentlemen. And would any of you wish a  beverage with your meal?'
One man said, 'Well, I usually have coffee, but today I think I'll have a glass of milk.'
'The other man said,'That sounds good. I'll have milk, too. But make sure the glass is clean!'
'Very good,' said the waiter, and he left.
Soon he came back with a tray and two glasses of milk, and said,
'Here you are, gentlemen. Now which one asked for the clean glass?'

My Bride -To- Be

A young fellow brought home his bride-to-be appraised by his father. The older man was flabbergasted, chagrined, and embarrassed. He took the boy aside into the next room and whispered in his ear,
'I never saw such a homely girl. She's got hair on her chin; her eyes are watching each other; and her teeth are crooked.'
'Pop, you don't have to whisper,' the son replied.'You can talk louder.she 's deaf too.'

Please Help Me, Doctor

'Doctor, you must help me,' they pretty young lady told the psychiatrist.
'Every time a boy take me out, I always end up saying 'yes.'
And afterwords I feel guilty and depressed.'
'I see, ' the analyst nodded. 'And you went me to  strengthen your resistance?'.
'Certainly not! exclaimed the distraught girl.'I  want you to  weaken my conscience!.

The Manicure Girl

Stopping in an unfamiliar barber shop for a shave, a young playboy took a fancy to the manicure girl and suggested dinner and a show that evening.
'I don't think I ought to,' the girl demured. 'I'm married.'
'Why don't you ask your husband,' the palyboy suggested.
'I'm sure he would not object.'
'You can ask him yourself,' the girl shrugged.'He 's shavig you.

Nothing Wrong

The bald headed barber was trying to sell his customer a bottle of hair tonic.
'But how can you sell this stuff when yourself are bald!"
Challenged the customer.
"Nothing wrong with that!' came the reply.
.There are 10000 guys selling brassieres!'

An Unlucky Traveller

The traveller stood sadly at the front of the farmhouse, hat in hand
'I hate to tell you this, ma'am' he said , but 'I just ran over your cat on road. I 'm terribly sorry. Of course,I'll replace him.'
'Well, don't just stand there!' the woman snapped.'There's amouse in the kitchen!'

A man and three large dogs

A tourist was motoring through the Lake district. ' Passing through a small village, he saw a young man running hard with three large, ferocious-looking dogs close behind him.
The tourist pulled up, then open the car door and shouted,
"Get in quick.!'
'Thanks a lot,' said the young man. 'Most people won't offer me a lift. when they see I have three dogs!'

Seven days Seven Pairs

A customs officer was examining the luggage of returning holiday-maker at Heathrow. He opened the suitcase of an attractive lady and inside he discovered seven pair of new silk panties bearing a Paris label.
'Why seven pairs?' he asked her.
'One for each of the week' she said. 'Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday,...'
'All right' said the custom officer, and returned his attention to a battered old suitcase belonging to a very stout middle-aged woman. Inside he found twelve pairs of outsize bloomers. Before he could ask the obvious, the woman said,
'January, February,April...'

A Stinky Carpet

A tourist in Cairo was being pestered by an Arab trader who was  trying to sell him a fiththy old carpet.
'Lover' carpet, mister -very cheap! said the Arab.
'No, thank you! said the tourist indisgust. 'This carpet stinks!'
'No, no! cried the Arab. 'Carpet no stink! That's me!'

A Cannibal Chief

A Cannibal chief decided to take a holiday, so he booked a cruise on a luxury liner. At dinner on the first nigt, a streward handed him the menu.
'Never mind that,' said the cannibal. 'Just bring me the passenger list'.

You Are The First Man

A tourist arrived at a small hotel in a remote part of Wales and on unpacking his bags, discovered that he had forgotten to bring his shaving kit with him.
'Oh,don't worry about that,sir,' said the old porter.'There 's a fellow in the village who does a lot of shaving around here. I'll fetch him for you'.
He returned to the hotel some ten minutes later accompanied by a man even older than himself, who unpacked his shaving gear and then insisted that the tourist complied, and when the saving had been completed, he asked the old man,
'Tell me, why did I have to lie on my back?'
'Well, sir the man replied,' I always shave them in that position.
As a matter of fact, you're the first  living man I've ever shaved.'

Allligator's Teeth

When a lady on holiday in America visited an Indian reservation she notice that one of the Indians was wearing a most usual necklace.
'What is that necklace made of?' she enquired.
'Alligators' teeth,' said the Indian.
'I suppose that sort of thing is as valuable to you people as a string of pearls is to us,' said the lady.
'Rather more so, actually', replied the Indian. 'Anybody can open an oyster.'

Tipical Tourists

An English couple were visiting the great palce at versailles.As they strolled through an enormous banqueting room , the husband nudged his wife and said, ' just look  at that couple coming towords us! Typical tourist! Don't they look ridiculous!' When they reached the end of the room, they found that the wall was one enoumous mirror.

An Old Maid

An unmarried middle-aged lady booked into a hotel in Brighton  for a weeks' holiday. Shortly after she has been shown up to her room, she rang down and demanded that the manager come up immediately. When he arrived, she said  indignantly,
'It's disgraceful!' I looked out of my window and there, in the room  across the way, is a man taking a bath completely naked!.
The manager looked out and said,
'Buty, madam, that window is quite high--I can only see the top of the man's head.'
'Oh yes?' said the lady.'You just stand on this chair!'

The Crooked World

The teacher asked litttle Morris whether the world was  round or flat.
Morris thought a moment, then said,
'I guess it's neither, because my dad's always saying that it's crooked.'

An Insurance Agent's Advise

An insurance agent was teaching his wife how to drive when brakes of  their car  failed on a steep downhill grade.
'I can't stop!' shrieked the wife. 'What'll I do now'
'Brace yourself, ' her husband advised, ' and try to hit something cheap.'

The news for Miss Smith

'Mrs.Smith,' the doctor told the woman he had just examined,
'I have  good news for you.'
'I'm glad to hear that,' the young lady replied, 'but I'm  Miss Smith.'
'Miss Smith,' the doctor went right on, I have bad news for you.

The Farmer and a Rep

A rep came to a river crossing that he looked treacherous so he asked a farmer if it was safe to take his car through.
'Should be.' said the farmer. 'Reckon you will get through all right.'
The rep started his car and drove into  the water. After a short distance he found himself in so deep that the water was running into his windows. Extracting himself from his car, he went back to the farmer and angrily demanded to know why he had said the crossing was safe when the water was so deep.
'Can't understand it at all,' said the farmer. 'The water only came halfway up our ducks.'

What Can I Do?

A panhandler walked up to a gentelman in the street and grapped him by the lapels.
'Gimme a quarter,mister', he said.
'Of all the nerve! the gentleman declared angrily. 'What 's the idea of stopping people in the street and asking for money?'
'What do you want me to do,' the panhandler replied , ' open an office?'

The Henpeck Husband

'But Darling, ' the henpecked husband protested. 'I'm doing everything  I can to make you happy!'
'You don't one thing my first husband did to make me happy!'
She pouted.
'And what's that?' the harassed husband asked.
'He died!'

How to go to Gloucester?

A tourist motoring through the Weat Country stopped a local farmer and asked,

'Am I on the right road to Tiverton?'

'Don't know,' said the farmer.

'Well,' said the motorist, ' Can you tell me how to get to Gloucester?'

'No idea, ' said the farmer.

'You don't know anything, do you?' said the tourist.

'I know one thing,' said the farmer. 'I ain't lost like you!'

Little boy and his father

On holiday in London, a man took his small son to the zoo.
They were standing in front of lions' cage when the little boy tugged at his father's sleeve and said. 'Daddy, if those lions break loose and eat you up, what bus should I catch to get back to our hotel?'

The bus in London

First bus passenger:  'Pardon me, 'I am on holiday in London.Where do I get off the Tate Gallery?'

Second bus passenger: 'keep your eye on me and get off two stops before  I do.'

Mr. and Mrs. Martinson

Mrs. Meyerowitz met Mrs. Goldstein for a cup of teat one afternoon.
'Did you hear the Martinsons's stove exploded last night? began Mr.Meyerowitz.
'Mr. and Mrs. Martinson were blown right out the front door and into the street!'
'If that's true, ' quipped Mrs.Goldstein, 'that's the first time they've gone out together in thirty year.

Hapless Husband

The husband cam home drunk again. His wife couldn't stand it.
She screamed at him, 'If you don't stop this damnable drinking, I'm going to kill myself.'
The hapless husband retorted , ' Promises , that's all I get. Promises.'

Your own Fur Tail?

Customs officials are like doctors--they see people's most personal belongings, and they have to be prepared for anything. One woman at Kenedy Airport insists she had bought  nothing aboard.
'Are you quite sure that you have nothing to declare?'
the customer agent asked her.
'Absolutely sure,' she said firmly.
'Am I to understand, then, 'smiled the agent, ' that the fur tail hanging from under your dress is your own?'

I know my father well

A math teacher  asked, 'Joey, if your father borrowed $300 and promised to pay back $15 a week, how much would he owe at the end of then week?'
'Three hundreds dollars,'  the boy  replied quickly.
'I'm afraid you didn't know your lesson very well,' the teacher scolded.
'Well,' Joey replied. 'I'm afraid you don't know my father.'

Coins in his mouth

'My poor husband,' the woman sighed to her psychoanalyst , clutching her husband's hand. 'He's convinced he's a parking  meter.'
The analyst regarded the silent, woebegone fellow and ask,
'Why doesn't he say something for himself? Can't he talk?'
'How can he,' the wife shrugged, ' with all those coins in his mouth?'

We are the Same

'There 's nothing wrong with you.', said the psychiatrist to his patient.
'Why you're just as same as I am!.'
'But, doctor' cried the patient, as he brushed wildly at himself,
'it's these butterflies. They're all over me.'
'For heavern' sake!' cried the doctor. 'don't  brush them off on me!'

Mr.Cannibal

Robert became convince he was a cannibal, and his wife finally persuaded him to visit a psychiatrist. When Robert returned  home after his first visit, his wife asked,
'So tell me, what is a fancy psychiatrist like?'
'Delicious,'  beamed Robert .

What 's Wrong with the Ashtrays?

'Doctor,' complained the distraught mother, 'I don't know what to do. My on insists on emptying ashtrays.'
'Well, ' said the doctor, 'that's not unusual.'
'Yes, but in this mouth?'

I Like Pancakes

'My husband thinks I'm crazy just because I  like pancakes.'
The lady told the psychiatrist.
'But there's nothing wrong with that,' said the doctor . 'I  like pancake  myself.'
'Do you?' cried the lady in delight. 'Then you must come up  sometime. I have six trunks full.'

The Great Pimp

A man visiting a bordello was warmly greeted by the proprietress.
After an exchange of pleasantries, the client said,
'And by the way, how is your hasband Bruce?'
'Oh, ' she answered sadly. ' He died about six months ago.'
'I'm sorry to hear that,' said the client. 'He was one of the greatest pimps I ever met.'
'Thank you,' answered the madam. 'Isn't  that just like life.
A man has to die before somebody says anything nice about him.'

Stright Down, Sir

Holiday cruise passenger :   'How close are we to land, captain?'
Captain:                              'Approximately three mile sir.'
Holiday cruise passenger:    'in Which direction?'
Captain:                            ' Stright down, sir'.

Taxi Driver & Scots Tourist

London taxi's driver: ' I am afraid my meter's on the blink.' mate, so I 'm not sure what to charge you.'
Scot tourist: 'Och that's all right then---I've no money and I couldn't pay you anyway.'

I am not weinstein

A businessman was sitting quietly in a restaurant eating his lunch when suddently a stranger hailed him.
'Hey there, ' Weintien!' shouted the man. 'My goodness, what happened to you? You used to be short, now you're tall. You used to be bond, and now you're dark-haired. You used to have blue eyes, and now they are brown!'
The businessman was polite but firm. 'I beg your pardon, sir, but my name 's not Weintein.'
'My God!' Exclaimed the other. 'You changed your name , too!'

If Living

The license bureau , checking over the applicant' papers, was astounded to not that the man had filled in the spaces,
'Age of father, if living' 105, and 'Age of mother, if living' 102.
The surprised clerk surveyed the middle aged man.
'Are your parents really not old?' he asked.
'No,' was the reply, ' but they would be if living.'

A Confident Girl

On  a Swenky Beach in  Rhode Island, the local constable  came up to a cute  young thing and said, 'Look, you're perfectly within the law wearing that abbreviated bikini, but just tell me, aren't you ashamed  of yourself wearing so little clothing?'

the girl replied, 'No sir, not at all!  If I were ,' she said glacing down at her shapely thigh, 'I'd ear more.'

Mental Disorder Driver

A taxi passenger was being buffeted to the right and to the left as he drive careened the avenue at breakneck speed.
When gentleman was granted and instant to catch his breath, he finally complained to the driver.
'You ain't got no cause to worry,.' said the man . 'I ain't goin' to  land back in no hospital now , after eighteen months in once overseas.'
Only partially reassured, the rider grumbled,' how dreadful. You  must have been seriously wounded.'
'Nope. Never got a scratch', grinned the cabbie. 'I was a mental case.'

Another Chance

"I'have got to get rid of' Charlie the chauffeur, ' Complained the husband. 'He's nearly killed me four time!.'
'Oh!' pleaded his wife, 'Give him another chance.'

What a crazy cat?

A tom cat was racing wildly through alleys, up and sown fire escapes, in and out cellars. A neighbor called the car's owner and reported.
'Your cat is running around like crazy!.'
'I know,' the owner replied. 'He's just been sterilized and he' hurrying around cancelling engagements.'

Spanish Waiter

Jane: 'You remember that holidays we had last year in Spain.'
Sue: 'Yes.'
Jane: 'And you remember that Spanish waiter I was going out with?'
Sue: 'Which one?'
Jane: 'The one I said I couldn't live with out?'
Sue: ' Oh! that one! What about him?'
Jane: 'I forgot his name.'

How about your holidays?

'Where are you going for your holidays this year?'
'Portugal.'
'That's abroad, isn't it?'
'Not if you're Portuguese'

All you life

The tourist was chatting to the village's oldest inhabitant outside  a country pub. 'And have you lived here all your life?' he asked.
'Not yet, ' replied the old man.

The Blind Beggar

The Blind man was standing in front of a building jiggling his tin cup when a woman stopped and dropped a quarter into the cup.
'God bless you! the blind man beamed. 'I know you had a kind heart the minute I laid eyes on you.'

At the airport arrival lounge

The airport arrival lounge was packed with returning holidaymakers when suddenly an announcement  came over the loudpeaker system.
'Well' the lady who left her hearing aid on incoming Flight 145 from Dublin please call at the Aer Lingus Information Desk.'

A Terrible night

Two Irishmen were taking a late holiday in Scotland. On the first night there was a violent rainstorm, and the next morning at breakfast one of them said,
'Did you hear that rain last night? Wasn't it terrible?' And the noise that thunder made!'
'Now why did you wake me?' said his friend.' You know I can't sleep through a thunderstorm.'

The Lovers

He:    'How about coming down' to the beach with me this afternoon?'
She:   'If I do, will you keep your hands to yourself?'
He:    'Oh! yes.'
She:   ' No kissing or cuddling?'
He:    'Certainly not!'
She:   'Then what are we going for?'

The answer of a drunk man

A holidaymaker was in difficulties in the sea off the end of the Pier.
'Help, help! he shouted.' I can't swim!'
A drunk on the pier yelled back, 'Well, I can't play the piano but I am not shouting about it!'

A Stingy Tourist

Seaside landlady  : The only rooms we have at the moment are overlooking the sea. Tey are 5 pound a night extra.'
Holidaymaker: 'How much if I promise not to look?"

Can I go swim?

On the beach at a seaside resort in Cornwell:
"Mummy, can I go swim?'
'No, dear -the sea's too rough and dangerous.'
'But daddy's gone in swimming.'
'Year, dear, but Daddy's insured.'

Where are the tickets?

A husband and wife bound for a holiday in Majorca were waiting patiently in the airport lounge. Suddenly, the husband said.
'You know, darling. I wish I 'd brought the piano with us.'
'Don't be ridiculous!' exclaimed his wife. 'Why on earth should we have brought the piano?'
'Because I've left our tickets on top of it. ' replied the husband.

Without Wife

"I hear you just got back  from the south of France?'
'Yes'
'Did you take the wife along?'
"No-it was a pleasure trip.'

Would you do me a favour?

The holidays charter flight to Majorca had it usual quota of obnoxious small children. One little boy in particular was driving all the passengers crazy by running up and down the aisle, shouting, upsetting drinks and getting in everybody's way. finally one of the passenger tapped on the shoulder and said, " Sonny, would do me a favour? Go and play outside.

An Unlucky Wife

A tourist asn his wife in Cornwall were looking with interest at a wishing well, both engrossed in thier private thoughts. The wife learned over to peer into the depths. Suddently, she overbalanced and fell in.

'Well, I'm blowed' Exclaimed the husband. 'These things really work!'